Greetings and Salutations, Intrepid Readers of Bad advice for Free! Eh, you get what you pay for, or a Russian Proverb: Pay Short Money, Get Short Value.
Now, before you get something in your butt, stuck in your crop, (pronounced Craw), and sand in your crack or vag, just know these are facts and data from the Nicest Place: National Electronic Injury Surveillance System (NEISS). Or is that Niece?
This Years Winner comes not from that abundant database, but instead from the Annals of Human Medical Science. No, Not the Penis Fish, (Candiru are South American catfish of a parasitic or scavenging niche), that is the #2 Winner. Instead: Ladybugs in the Colon.
An Unusual Finding of a Ladybug on Screening Colonoscopy. That is the title of the paper, “Unusual”, indeed.
A ladybug was found in the transverse colon during screening colonoscopy of a 59-year-old man with no comorbidities (Figure 1). More than 6,000 Coccinellidae species described are commonly known as ladybugs in North America and ladybirds elsewhere in the English-speaking world. Ladybugs are cherished for being pretty, harmless, and even beneficial friends of farmers. Our ladybug “Harmonia axyridis,” a multicolored Asian-type species, was imported to North America in the early 1900s to control pest populations. Their red-orange to dull cream colors are particularly eye catching. They hibernate during the winter. Light-colored homes in wooded areas attract their attention. Bug ingestions are rarely reported but can occur even during sleep.
Bug Ingestions sounds like a great name for a band, or a twix-tok challenge. And, they occur during sleep more than any other time, especially spiders. To this day, I still slap my boots before donning them, lest scorpions.
But, on to What Hath Thee Done? Again Not Faked, and No “AI” was used for any of this. Dudes and their Little Head are 1st. Just ask yourself these questions: Will it fit? Do I want to stick my penis in there/put that in my nether regions, and finally, Self, just why? I can already hear the whirring of the whambulance chasers, the “Plaintiff’s attorneys”, resulting in unnecessary Warning Labels. If an adult wants to do these things, and this is not a “Guinness Book of World Records” challenge, be our guest, and send us your thrill of victory, or bitter taste of agonizing defeat.
Penis
- BATTERY
- CANDLE WAX
- CHESS PIECE
- 2 GLASS BEADS
- PEN
- PENCIL
- COMB
- APPLE STEMS
- APPLE CORE
- BOBBY PIN
- PAPER CLIP
- MAGNETS
- SPRING
- SCREW
- STAPLES
- THERMOMETER
- HEADPHONES
- GUITAR STRING
- ALLEN WRENCH
Vagina
- HOLIDAY BELL [That will be an awkward Christmas]
- LIGHTER
- ALUMINUM FOIL
- COTTON BALLS
- POPSICLE STICK
- PLASTIC ORCA [Bathtime?]
- GEMSTONE (As a geologist, I’d like to know more, but this is more for a gemologist)
- “INSERTED TWO DIAMOND RINGS IN HER VAGINA WHILE AT A PARTY IN FEAR THEY WOULD BE STOLEN” (A old saying is “Them wedding rings won’t plug no holes!”)
- LATEX GLOVE (Note: I was once tasked to fish a condom from a woman’s vagina, and I wore a glove but didn’t lose it in her shamecave. When I was a wee Lad, I stuck my arm all the way to my shoulder in a cow’s queef. The glove was shoulder-length, for the bovine, not the human female!)
- BATH BOMB [Bathtime?]
- SMALL PLASTIC MERMAID [Ditto?]
- FLOWER TOY
- “REPORTS A BAG OF MARIJUANA HAS BEEN IN HER VAGINA FOR 2 DAYS AND IS UNCOMFORTABLE” Try transferring it to your anus.
- BRACELET CHARMS
- 2 VIBRATORS
- PENIS RING
- 2 PENIS RINGS
- 2 SPOONS
- “WAS USING A PIECE OF PLASTIC TO MASTURBATE WHEN GOT SPOOKED BY THE WIND OUTSIDE AND THREW THE SHEET OVER HERSELF IN THE PROCESS LODGING THE PIECE OF PLASTIC DEEPER INTO HER VAGINA AND WASN’T ABLE TO RETRIEVE” Ok, what?
- HAIRBRUSH
- DETERGENT POD [Hey, the Tide Pod challenge in another orifice!]
- PLUNGER CAP
- BEER BOTTLE, “WAS ON A CRUISE ON HER HONEYMOON” (I let a woman make a video of herself with a beerbottle, so not uncommon)
Rectum
- LUBRICANT BOTTLE
- ENEMA BOTTLE
- NAILS
- SCREWS AND NAILS
- “PATIENT STATES HE PUT A BASEBALL IN HIS RECTUM TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE” How did that feel?
- AEROSOL CAN [Was it pepper spray, or better yet, a CS gas/pepper spray combo!]
- DOG CHEW TOY
- DRYER SHEET
- “WAS FEELING CONSTIPATED FOR 2 DAYS, HE TOOK THE BASE OFF OF HIS BEARD CLIPPERS AND WRAPPED IN A PLASTIC BAGGIE, INSERTED INTO THE RECTUM AND IT GOT STUCK”
- BATON
- HAIR TIE
- “CONCERN ABOUT IF HE STILL HAD A SMALL VIBRATOR IN HIS RECTUM. HIS GIRLFRIEND PLACED IT THERE ON FRIDAY”
- TURKEY BASTER
- PLASTIC CLEANSER BOTTLE (FULL OF LIQUID)
- “REPORTS HE SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND A SHAMPOO BOTTLE WENT INTO HIS RECTUM” Oh Please! However, there are some tiny bottles as in a hotel, or samples. New Fear Unlocked, or “Now I have an alibi?”)
- “STATES HE WAS IN THE SHOWER ‘WAS BORED’ WHEN PT PLACED SHAMPOO BOTTLE INTO RECTUM” Honesty.
- DENTAL PICK
- WINE STOPPER
- CORN COB HOLDER
- “HAD GONE OUT WITH WIFE WIFE LAST NIGHT AND HAD TOO MANY DRINKS, WENT HOME DRUNK, WIFE INSERTED A RUBBERY SEX TOY INTO PT’S RECTUM, UNABLE TO REMOVE”
- HIGHLIGHTER
- INVISIBLE MARKER (How did they know where it was then?)
- MAGIC WAND TOY
- “REPORTS 7-INCH DILDO INSERTED INTO RECTUM WHEN IT ACCIDENTALLY WENT TOO FAR. HE ATTEMPTED TO USE PLIERS TO REMOVE IT. PLIERS STUCK TOO” (Use the Lea Therman, no doubt.)
- MARBLES
- FILM CANISTER
- BATTERY-POWERED LIGHT
- “PLASTIC COATHANGER INSIDE HIS ANUS. HE INSERTED THE HANGER DURING SEXUAL ACTIVITY. HE CUT OFF THE OUTSIDE OF THE HANGER SO HE COULD DRIVE TO THE ER”
- PENNY
- SANDAL
- DOORKNOB
- “HE INSERTED A LIGHT BULB INTO HIS RECTUM THIS MORNING WITH THE GLASS SIDE FIRST AND DUE TO THE SUCTION EFFECT, THE BULB GOT SUCKED UP“
- FLASHLIGHT
- VAPE PEN
- “POSSIBLE RECTAL FOREIGN BODY. SHE REPORTS PLACING A SMALL VIBRATOR IN HER RECTUM, SHE DOES NOT REMEMBER REMOVING IT AND CANNOT FIND IT”
- 2 PENCILS
- CORNCOB-STYLE PIPE
- “REPORTS USING A BUTT PLUG IN HER ANUS A FEW HOURS AGO WHEN IT BROKE OFF. SIGNIFICANT OTHER USED TWEEZERS TO RETRIEVE PIECE THAT BROKE OFF. TWEEZERS NOW STUCK IN RECTUM”
- RUBBER GASKET
- UNCOOKED PASTA. Are we talkin fusili, or Lasagna sheets?
- PIECE OF NOSE HAIR TRIMMER
- “STATES HE HAS A FOREIGN BODY IN HIS RECTUM THAT IS VIBRATING. HE STATES HE WAS WITH A GIRL LAST NIGHT AND DOESN’T REMEMBER MUCH”
- EYEGLASSES
- ROCK (Geologist here again, what rock in da butt? Gold nugget?)
- EGG
- “WAS BEING INTIMATE WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND THEY SHOVED A RECTANGULAR TRAVEL TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER IN HIS RECTUM, WAS ABLE TO GET HALF OF IT OUT“
- MULTIPLE SEX TOYS
- CAT-HEADED VIBRATOR
- 18-INCH DILDO
- 24-INCH DILDO
- “REPORTS HAVING A 6 INCH VIBRATOR IN RECTUM SINCE 2:00 PM TODAY. DOESN’T RECALL…